Do You Want to Be Right, or Do You Want to Be in Relationship?
I was watching the hit HBO show Insecure by Issa Rae and landed on the scene where Molly sits across from Dr. Rhonda. Dr. Rhonda looks at her and asks a question that hits harder the older you get: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in relationships?That question has stayed with me, partly because I am learning it in real time at 37. It is simple on the surface, but when you start unpacking what it means for how we move through conflict, communication, and connection, it becomes a shift in how you show up for people.
The Heart of the Question
Most of us try to justify our choices when someone tells us we hurt them. We jump to our perspective, our intention, our experience. We want the other person to understand why we did what we did.
But when someone says they were harmed, the question becomes: What matters more, your need to be understood or the relationship itself?
Restorative practice teaches that when harm is named, the focus moves to repair. Repair cannot happen without accountability, and accountability is a choice. It is not about taking blame for everything. It is about owning your part so the relationship can find its footing again.
Why This Is Hard
Processing our own feelings is already work. Processing someone else’s experience is even more work.
It feels easier to defend ourselves than to sit in the discomfort of hearing how we affected someone we care about. Yet repair grows in that space. Trust grows there.
The Professional Lens
This same question applies in our work lives. I have coached enough leaders to know that the instinct to be right is universal. But leadership is about effectiveness, not victory.
Fair process gives us a structure for this. It asks leaders to slow down long enough to:
- Engage people in the conversation.
- Explain decisions clearly.
- Set expectations for what happens next.
You cannot use fair process if you are always proving how right you are. Strong teams do not need a hero. They need someone who creates space for perspective, disagreement, and collaboration. When leaders choose relationship over ego, teams think more strategically and execute with more ownership.
The Personal Lens
Now take this home. Think about the last time you argued with your partner, your sibling, your best friend.
Were you trying to understand their experience?
Or were you trying to win the moment?
Many conflicts drag on because someone is fighting for the last word instead of the actual relationship. Being right is not the same thing as being responsible. Being right rarely creates safety. Choosing relationship, choosing repair, creates trust.
How to Practice This Daily
Here are a few ways to shift from winning to understanding:
- Pause before you respond
If you feel yourself getting defensive, that is your sign to slow down. Ask yourself what the real goal is. - Reflect the impact
You can acknowledge someone’s experience without abandoning your perspective.
Try: “I hear how that landed for you. I did not see it that way in the moment, but I understand why it hurt.” - Ask curious questions
Curiosity pulls us out of defensiveness.
Ask: “What part of this felt the hardest?” or “What would help us move forward?” - Own your role
Restorative practice works when we take responsibility for our part in the situation. Even small acknowledgments help the relationship heal. - Recommit to the relationship
Say out loud what you are protecting.
“This matters to me.”
“We do not have to agree, but I want us to understand each other.”
A Question to Carry With You
Every relationship, personal or professional, requires a choice. In moments of tension, you can fight for your version of the truth or you can fight for the connection. Neither path is effortless. One builds trust. The other builds walls.
So the next time you feel yourself gearing up to be right, pause and ask yourself a simple question:
What is more important right now, being right or being in relationship?
The way you answer that question tells the truth about what you are trying to build.