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I was watching the hit HBO show Insecure by Issa Rae and landed on the scene where Molly sits across from Dr. Rhonda. Dr. Rhonda looks at her and asks a question that hits harder the older you get: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in relationships?That question has stayed with me, partly because I am learning it in real time at 37. It is simple on the surface, but when you start unpacking what it means for how we move through conflict, communication, and connection, it becomes a shift in how you show up for people.The Heart of the Question Most of us try to justify our choices when someone tells us we hurt them. We jump to our perspective, our intention, our experience. We want the other person to understand why we did what we did.But when someone says they were harmed, the question becomes: What matters more, your need to be understood or the relationship itself?Restorative practice teaches that when harm is named, the focus moves to repair. Repair cannot happen without accountability, and accountability is a choice. It is not about taking blame for everything. It is about owning your part so the relationship can find its footing again.Why This Is Hard Processing our own feelings is already work. Processing someone else’s experience is even more work.It feels easier to defend ourselves than to sit in the discomfort of hearing how we affected someone we care about. Yet repair grows in that space. Trust grows there.The Professional Lens This same question applies in our work lives. I have coached enough leaders to know that the instinct to be right is universal. But leadership is about effectiveness, not victory.<h3>Fair process gives us a structure for this. It asks leaders to slow down long enough to:</h3><ol><li>Engage people in the conversation.</li><li>Explain decisions clearly.</li><li>Set expectations for what happens next.</li></ol> You cannot use fair process if you are always proving how right you are. Strong teams do not need a hero. They need someone who creates space for perspective, disagreement, and collaboration. When leaders choose relationship over ego, teams think more strategically and execute with more ownership.The Personal Lens Now take this home. Think about the last time you argued with your partner, your sibling, your best friend.Were you trying to understand their experience? Or were you trying to win the moment?Many conflicts drag on because someone is fighting for the last word instead of the actual relationship. Being right is not the same thing as being responsible. Being right rarely creates safety. Choosing relationship, choosing repair, creates trust.How to Practice This Daily Here are a few ways to shift from winning to understanding:<ul><li>Pause before you respond If you feel yourself getting defensive, that is your sign to slow down. Ask yourself what the real goal is.</li><li>Reflect the impact You can acknowledge someone’s experience without abandoning your perspective. Try: “I hear how that landed for you. I did not see it that way in the moment, but I understand why it hurt.”</li><li>Ask curious questions Curiosity pulls us out of defensiveness. Ask: “What part of this felt the hardest?” or “What would help us move forward?”</li><li>Own your role Restorative practice works when we take responsibility for our part in the situation. Even small acknowledgments help the relationship heal.</li><li>Recommit to the relationship Say out loud what you are protecting. “This matters to me.” &nbsp;“We do not have to agree, but I want us to understand each other.”</li></ul>A Question to Carry With You Every relationship, personal or professional, requires a choice. In moments of tension, you can fight for your version of the truth or you can fight for the connection. Neither path is effortless. One builds trust. The other builds walls.So the next time you feel yourself gearing up to be right, pause and ask yourself a simple question: <blockquote>What is more important right now, being right or being in relationship?</blockquote>The way you answer that question tells the truth about what you are trying to build.

Do You Want to Be Right, or Do You Want to Be in Relationship?

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Most leaders talk about balance like it’s one giant lever we’re supposed to pull. Work, family, self, friendships, growth, rest. Everything in one equation, and somehow we’re expected to keep the math steady. But in a coaching session this week, something clicked. My client is building a department, preparing for a new baby, and trying to keep his own identity intact. As we talked through his pressure points, the truth became clearer. We don’t balance everything together. We balance each part of our life individually, with intention.<blockquote>Trying to balance everything as a bundle creates tension. Balancing segments creates clarity.</blockquote>Balance at Work You steady your workload so that you can leave it where it belongs. Structure, process, delegation, clarity of roles, and the discipline to stop carrying work into your living room. That’s a form of balance.Balance at Home You hold space for your relationships with the same intention. Predictable routines. Honest conversations. Protecting time instead of squeezing it in. That’s another form of balance.Balance With Self You protect your identity outside of responsibility. Movement. Creativity. Friendship. Joy. The things that replenish you. That is balance too.Each arena requires a different approach, a different cadence, a different mindset. And this is where Agile thinking gives us a useful frame.Agile Isn’t Only for Work. It’s a Way to Manage Your Life. Agile is about focus, prioritization, and iteration. It helps teams avoid pretending they can do everything all at once. It invites them to define what matters right now, build a roadmap that makes sense, and move in small steps.<h3>That same logic works in our personal lives.</h3>1. Define the backlog for each part of life Your work backlog. Your home backlog. Your personal backlog.<h3>They don’t need to compete. They just need to be seen.</h3>2. Clarify what “value” means in each space Value at work might be alignment and consistent delivery. Value at home might be presence and stability. Value for yourself might be freedom, rest, or growth.<h3>When value is defined, decisions become easier.</h3>3. Set sprints and review them Weekly or bi-weekly check-ins with yourself. What worked. What slipped. What needs adjusting. This keeps guilt out of the process. You’re not failing. You’re iterating.4. Limit your work-in-progress Multitasking drains you. Agile reminds us to do fewer things at a time so the outcome is stronger. That applies to life too.5. Protect the cadence Balance breaks down when cadence collapses. When you keep everything in motion at the right rhythm, balance becomes possible.&nbsp; Building Synchronicity Across Your Life Balance doesn’t mean everything weighs the same. It means everything has the right proportion. When each segment of your life has its own workflow, rhythm, and roadmap, the pieces stop fighting each other. They start working together.<h3>This creates synchronicity. Not perfection. Alignment.</h3>And alignment is what leaders need most. A leader who knows how to balance in segments is a leader who shows up with clarity, presence, and capacity.A Simple Action Plan to Increase Balance Across Your Life Use this as a weekly practice.Step 1 Name your three segments: Work. Home. Self.Step 2 List the top three priorities for each. Not everything. Just the three that matter most this week.Step 3 Define what “done” looks like for each priority.Step 4 Choose one habit that will support stability in each segment. Work: block focus time, delegate, close your laptop by a set time. Home: plan a family check-in, protect dinner time. Self: go to the gym, read, journal, or call a friend.Step 5 Review your week every Friday. Ask yourself: What felt stable? What felt stretched? What needs a new strategy?If this approach resonates with you, I teach these frameworks in more depth in my book Personal Agility and Self-Management Workbook. It offers practical tools, reflection exercises, and real-world structures you can apply immediately. You can order it here: <a data-mce-href="https://a.co/d/fbhcB27" href="https://a.co/d/fbhcB27" title="Personal Agility and Self-Management Workbook" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Personal Agility and Self-Management Workbook</a>

The Real Path to Balance Is Managing Your Life in Segments

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Leadership shows up in the way you treat people long before it shows up in a title. People do not follow a role. They follow a person. They follow your consistency, your integrity, your ability to support others, and your willingness to stand behind your word.Sponsorship is one of the clearest reflections of who you are as a leader. It is the moment you choose to use your position and influence to help someone move forward. The act itself can be small, but the impact is almost always meaningful.<h3>What Sponsorship Really Means</h3>When we talk about sponsorship, we often picture major career moves like promotions or stretch assignments. Those moments matter, but sponsorship shows up in smaller ways too. It can be coaching someone through conflict with another colleague or helping them navigate a difficult dynamic with a leader. It can be putting their name in a room they cannot get into yet. It can be connecting them with an opportunity, a resource, or a new network.It can be something as simple as making a real introduction when someone asks for support in their job search. Not forwarding a resume to a general inbox. Not sending a quick note and stepping back. Real sponsorship is when you take one more meaningful step. You reach out to the hiring team. You make the introduction. You use your voice where it actually carries weight.Great leaders understand the difference between activity and advocacy. Anyone can do the bare minimum. Leaders go further because that is part of the responsibility they accepted when they stepped into leadership.<blockquote>The Leaders We Need</blockquote> The gap we see in many organizations is not a lack of leadership principles. Most companies can recite them with pride. The gap is in behavior. Too many people are promoted for operational competence alone. They know how to manage workflows, but not how to develop people. They can run a process, but they cannot build trust. They can hit targets, but they cannot stand behind their word. <h2>Leadership becomes fragile when it is grounded in skill but not character.</h2>Real leadership requires more than knowing how to move a project forward. It requires knowing how to move people forward. It requires the ability to build confidence, create psychological safety, and offer clear support. It requires a willingness to see your own gaps, name them, and work on them.Integrity as a Leadership Practice Integrity is not a concept. It is a daily practice. It is in the decisions you make when no one is watching. It is in the promises you keep when it would be easier not to. It is in the follow through that separates true leaders from people who simply hold a title.When people come to you for help, they are paying you a compliment. They are telling you they trust your judgment, your influence, and your voice. When you say yes, you take on a responsibility. When you do not follow through, you damage more than a single opportunity. You damage the trust people place in you, and you send a message about the kind of leader you are.Leadership Everywhere The way you lead inside your company often mirrors the way you lead in your personal life. The same patterns show up in your home, in your friendships, and in how you navigate conflict. Leadership is not something you turn on at work. It is part of your character.If your instinct is to avoid difficult conversations, you likely avoid them at home. If you hesitate to advocate for someone at work, you probably hesitate to advocate for yourself or the people you care about. If you struggle to keep your commitments professionally, it shows up in your personal relationships too.Strong leaders understand this. They treat leadership as a whole person practice. They examine who they are, how they show up, and where they need to grow. They know that leadership is shaped through awareness, accountability, and deliberate effort.Becoming a Leader People Trust Better leadership starts with humility. You need to be honest about where you fall short. You need to recognize when your patterns undermine the trust people want to place in you. You need to accept that leadership is not a reward. It is a responsibility.<blockquote>Here are four practices that matter.</blockquote>Keep your word. If you commit to something, follow through. Those small moments shape your reputation over time.Use your influence with intention. Sponsorship is not about favors. It is about using your access to create opportunity for others.Do your own inner work. Bias, blind spots, and emotional patterns shape how you lead. A leader who refuses to grow becomes a barrier to the people they manage.Choose character over comfort. Real leadership will always pull you out of what feels easy. That stretch is where trust is built.<figure id="figure-bltrmkfzemhxn1t82"><img id="bltrmkfzemhxn1t82" src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/1488413177/photo/black-woman-leadership-and-meeting-for-business-idea-planning-or-strategy-at-the-office.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=0d3X45ZVIeRAHkMwT0YIt6-UzP_WX2vRjYvGF741zK8=" alt="Black woman, leadership and meeting for business idea, planning or strategy at the office. African American female leader in management for conference talk, proposal or discussion at the workplace" title="Black woman, leadership and meeting for business idea, planning or strategy at the office. African American female leader in management for conference talk, proposal or discussion at the workplace" class="object-cover bg-gray-100 rounded-sm md:rounded-md lg:rounded-lg" style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: undefined undefined;" data-corners="default" data-aspect="16:9" data-caption="" data-positionx="undefined" data-positiony="undefined" data-fullwidth="false" data-mce-src="https://media.gettyimages.com/id/1488413177/photo/black-woman-leadership-and-meeting-for-business-idea-planning-or-strategy-at-the-office.jpg?b=1&amp;s=2048x2048&amp;w=0&amp;k=20&amp;c=0d3X45ZVIeRAHkMwT0YIt6-UzP_WX2vRjYvGF741zK8=" data-mce-style="aspect-ratio: 16/9; object-position: undefined undefined;"></figure>People do not need perfect leaders. They need leaders who care, who show up, and who honor the weight of their word. They need leaders who understand that sponsorship is not a task. It is an expression of who you are.When leaders commit to that standard, everything else follows. Teams get stronger. Trust deepens. Culture shifts. And people finally experience leadership in the way it was always meant to be practiced: through integrity, action, and genuine support.By Benjamin Adkins, Certified Professional Coach (ACC)

Great Leaders Understand the Difference Between Activity and Advocacy

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We spend so much of our time doing. We respond to emails, attend meetings, manage projects, build relationships, and solve problems, all while rarely pausing to consider how our actions are shaping the course of our lives. It’s easy to confuse activity with progress. But true growth isn’t just about what we do. It’s about understanding how those actions contribute to change.That’s the foundation of self-management. And it’s a practice I coach leaders on every day: the discipline of stepping back, reflecting, and connecting effort with impact. Because when we can clearly see the results of our actions, we make better choices, lead ourselves more intentionally, and build a stronger foundation for growth.<h3>Continuous Improvement Starts With Reflection</h3>Agile teaches us the power of continuous improvement, a regular rhythm of reflection that asks: What mattered most today? What did I accomplish? What can I do better tomorrow? I write about this in my book Personal Agility and Self-Management, where I encourage people to integrate these simple check-ins into their daily routine.But daily reflection is only one part of the process. There’s real value in zooming out and evaluating a larger span of time. A 30-day review, or even an annual one, helps you spot patterns, understand momentum, and see how your actions are shaping the bigger picture of your life and work.<blockquote>Looking Back to See Forward</blockquote>Recently, I had the chance to spend a weekend with friends I hadn’t seen in 15 or even 20 years. Some of those relationships hadn’t ended well. Life moved on, paths diverged, and distance became the easy solution. I went into the weekend unsure of what to expect, but it turned out to be one of the most grounding experiences I’ve had in a long time.Before the trip, I spent time reflecting on the last 12 years of my life. I thought about who I’d become, the challenges I’d faced, and the changes that shaped me. And I asked myself a question I hadn’t considered before: Who and what contributed to that change?The answer surprised me. Some of the very people I was about to see, people I hadn’t spoken to in over a decade, had left deep marks on my life. Their influence, whether positive or painful, played a role in the person I am today. Recognizing that created space for something new. It allowed me to reevaluate those relationships with more nuance, more grace, and more honesty about what mattered now.A few of those friendships were rekindled. Others were respectfully left in the past. But the bigger shift was internal. By understanding how those people and experiences contributed to my growth, I became clearer about the kind of connections I want to cultivate moving forward.There’s a concept in cognitive behavioral psychology that says our thoughts influence our emotions, which influence our actions. Reflection works the same way. By examining the patterns and contributors in our past, we shift the way we think about them, and that shift opens the door to new behaviors. It’s not just nostalgia. It’s strategic introspection.<blockquote>Leading Through Contribution</blockquote>One of my clients, a senior leader, has been navigating a complex balance: giving effective feedback to her team, fostering collaboration, and still providing strong direction. She wants her team to take ownership and self-manage without losing alignment on goals.Our coaching conversations often come back to the idea of contribution to change. Instead of tracking only deliverables or performance metrics, we built a framework for her team to reflect on how their actions are influencing outcomes. She started asking questions designed to spark deeper thinking: What impact did your decision have? Where do you see evidence of progress? How did your approach shift the outcome?This shift created room for autonomy without sacrificing accountability. Her team began measuring their own success and identifying their own contributions. And as she put it, her role became about “letting the fire catch without letting the house burn down.” By creating space for ownership, she helped them build confidence, and by staying engaged in the reflection process, she ensured that growth stayed aligned with strategy.<h3>The Practice of Self-Management</h3>Measuring your contribution to change isn’t a one-time exercise. It’s an ongoing practice of awareness. It’s how you recognize what’s working, what’s evolving, and what deserves your attention next. It helps you make decisions that reflect your priorities rather than your habits. So before the next 30 days slip by, pause and take inventory. Look at what’s changed in your life, and who or what helped shape those changes. Notice where you’re creating movement and where you’re standing still. Those insights will give you more clarity, more confidence, and more control over the direction you choose to go next.

Measuring the Change You’re Creating in Your Life and Work

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Life comes at you fast. Jobs shift, industries evolve, and sometimes, you have to make a move whether you planned for it or not. If you’re in a season of change, the question isn’t why is this happening? The real question is: What are you going to do next?Too often, we wait for the “perfect” moment or the “right” opportunity. But let me be real with you. Success isn’t about waiting. It’s about taking action. The most powerful thing you can do right now is take control of your story, your skills, and your next steps.Build Your Personal Backlog In Agile, a backlog is a prioritized list of everything that needs to get done. It keeps teams focused on what’s important. You need one for your life.Step 1: List Out Your Priorities What matters most to you right now? Career growth? Financial freedom? More creativity? Write down the top five things you want to focus on in the next six months. If you don’t know, that’s your first backlog item. Figure it out.Step 2: Break It Down Big goals fail when they’re vague. Break them into specific, achievable steps. Want a new job? Your backlog should include things like updating your resume, reaching out to five people in your industry, learning a new skill. Each step should be small enough to complete in a short amount of time.Time Box Your Goals In Agile, we set time limits on work because if you don’t, things drag on forever. If you’ve been “thinking” about making a change for months or years, it’s time to time box it.What’s one goal you can accomplish in the next two weeks? What’s something you can complete in 30 days? What can you commit to finishing in the next 90 days?<h3>Set deadlines. Put them in your calendar. Treat them like non-negotiables.</h3>Run Daily Stand Ups with Yourself Agile teams start their day with a stand up, a quick check-in to review progress and blockers. You should be doing the same for yourself.<h3>Every morning, ask yourself:</h3>What did I accomplish yesterday? What will I accomplish today? What’s standing in my way? This keeps you accountable. If you find yourself saying the same goal every day without progress, that’s a red flag. Either adjust the goal, break it down smaller, or remove distractions.<blockquote>No More Excuses. Take Action You are not stuck. You are not powerless. You are not waiting for permission.</blockquote>The truth is, you already have what you need to take the next step. It’s just about organizing your priorities, setting deadlines, and holding yourself accountable.So what’s the first item on your backlog? And when are you going to get it done?

Reinventing Your Story: Own Your Next Chapter

Imagine we're sitting comfortably on a couch, each with our favorite beverage maybe coffee, tea, or a glass of wine. That's exactly the kind of relaxed, open, and authentic space I strive to create in my coaching practice. One of the most powerful ways I've found to help leaders have better conversations is through something called "Fair Process." Derived from restorative practices, Fair Process isn't just about fairness it's about creating conversations where everyone feels heard and valued.<h3>Fair Process is built on three simple yet powerful principles:</h3>Engagement: Inviting everyone involved to share their thoughts and genuinely listening without interruption or judgment. Explanation: Taking the time to clearly communicate the reasons behind decisions, so everyone feels respected and understood. Expectation Clarity: Making sure everyone leaves the conversation knowing exactly what comes next, removing ambiguity and building trust.In agile leadership, conversations often move quickly, and it can feel challenging to pause and truly listen. But when you intentionally apply Fair Process, you create psychological safety a space where people aren't afraid to speak up, share ideas, or even disagree.<h3>Here's how it might look in a 1:1 conversation:</h3>Engagement Example: You might start by saying, "I'd really like to hear your perspective first. What's on your mind about this situation?" This sets the stage for genuine dialogue. Explanation Example: After listening, clearly share your thinking: "Here's why I made this decision let me walk you through my thought process." Expectation Clarity Example: End your conversation with clarity, saying something like, "Just to make sure we're aligned, here's what we'll both do next. Does that feel clear to you?"I remember coaching a leader who often felt frustrated by team conflicts. After introducing Fair Process, he started genuinely listening to his team's concerns before responding. Not only did tensions decrease, but his team began proactively sharing ideas, leading to stronger collaboration and significantly improved morale.<h3>Reflection Questions:</h3>Can you recall a recent conversation where applying Fair Process could have led to a better outcome? What might shift in your relationships or team dynamics if you intentionally paused more to truly listen? Before your next important conversation, take a moment to center yourself and commit to listening without interruption. Practice paraphrasing what you've heard to ensure understanding: "What I hear you saying is... Did I get that right?" In my experience coaching leaders, this approach transforms relationships. It builds mutual respect, deepens trust, and creates a space where meaningful dialogue thrives.So, think about your own conversations how might embracing Fair Process make a difference in your leadership and the trust you build with your teams?By Benjamin Adkins, ACC

Benjamin J Adkins LLC

Blog

Do You Want to Be Right, or Do You Want to Be in Relation...

The Real Path to Balance Is Managing Your Life in Segments

Great Leaders Understand the Difference Between Activity ...

Measuring the Change You’re Creating in Your Life and Work

Reinventing Your Story: Own Your Next Chapter

Pause, Listen, Lead: The Power of Fair Process in Agile L...